who would be there for you? sticking their back against yours, putting their life on the line, and also knowing that you’ll protect it with your very own life? 

maybe it matters not tt he/she’s there for you, all that it matters is that you’re there for that person. regardless of whether he/she deserves at all. 

still sometimes as social creatures we not only need to live up to our own expectations, but also the expectations of others. i guess the hard part is finding a balance between your own levels and the expectations of you. 

and i guess sometimes you do something b4 you realise that its more trouble doing it than going the long way around.  and it sucks cause you can’t undo it, and it just ends up causing more trouble than the change was worth in the first place. 

so for now i shall hang there, and have faith in tt it will make a turn for the better =)

2 months rapidly passing, yet rapidly changing. the work environment being a challenging rock face to a possible high ground, a harsh reality check on where we are, how we work, and who we will truly be after we really embark on the journey of life. 

in that short expense of time i find myself questioning all the principles and views that i have held since school. things which were previously irrefutable. things which you hold as truth. facing a new environment, it seems inevitable that all these would be tested. those that can no longer match up will have to be renewed, or updated, or totally removed and replaced. those that remain will stay even strongly and deeply rooted than before. 

when all of these happens at the same time, the presence of mind, the assurance deep down that you know who you are slowly begins to erode away. you begin to slowly but surely shift toward the middle ground. the ground its neither here nor there. 

you begin to examine your relationships. family, friends, love interests all come into scrutiny. as the wheel of time presses ruthlessly on, bonds increase and decrease in strength. the same way the form and dynamic of relationships change. those that are built on sand instead of rock will fall apart with a great crash when the winds and torrents come and rage against it.

that is the time when you try something different, a separate approach. ways and paths that the old you once thought was inconceivable. out of the ordinary, bold, thrilling. it’s a different side of life. one that despite age old stereotypes an set-in-stone views can be great when you set proper boundaries to it.

and you come out of it changed. for better or for worse may be very vague, but for sure it wil be different from the old ways. and only that alone may make certain people resistant to the new changes. not tt it is ultimately pivotal. 

it is also a look into the future. a wake up call for you to set our path, and stick to it. a timely reminder of knowing what you want 8 years into the future. where you want to stand in all aspects of your life. the kind of father, husband, boss, employee, colleague you want to be. that fuels and drives the change in principles and paradigms. which also painfully reminds you that there is a price to pay for all that you want to achieve. the theory of opportunity cost, and the principle of equivalence of trade. 

all this is important, as it is the transitionary period from one chapter to another of your life. it is tantamount that the preparations, the foundations be set properly and strongly. for these wold form the yardstick, the measuring scales for the next decade to come.

these days, i’m beginning to lose the logic behind how the world works. there seems to be a gradual and noted increase in the number of parts the world has, to the point where things seemed to make perfect sense no longer follow the same principles and rules.

and slowly i’m overwhelmed by it. i dont get how and why things must interact the way they do now. all i know is tt to want the same few things now as in the past, requires a whole lot more of effort and wisdom.

i need strength, and guidance to get through all of this 

one ship without a sail, without a bearing loses its direction. it simply floats around in the mercy of Mother Nature, the waters to consume and take for her own. If she is merciful, then it will wander till the end of its days. it’s a problem when that occurs. when there is suddenly no longer and clear direction to go. there is no immdiate port to call, no definite mission to be carried out. Just miles and miles of clear blue ocean, with no goal or target to achieve.

 Things may change. Days of clear azure skies and light breezes, and nights of the fury of the sea lashing against the vessel. Having been battered by the elements, her hull deteriorated way past her prime. It is no longer how she used to be, now only a shadow of her glorious past.

And yet, her captain is still unable to find a bearing, a course. Even though he may have the Compass of Will in hand, but how would a course be charted, when the needle of the compass is still spinning around, never still?

Fighters and overcomers like her all know deep within them, that all it takes for her to rule the waves again, is to reignite the spark in their hearts. fill them up with a purpose, a cause, with a mission to succeed. To make them feel whole again. Only then, would the Compass of Will point to one’s truest desire.

recently i’ve acquired a certain liking for watching the rain. don’t exactly know why, but i think it’s beautiful in a certain grey blue manner. And also probably because it puts up invisible barriers between people. in some ways it effectively isolates you from the world surrounding you.

looking at the raindrops falling from the sky, most of them landing on the pavement, some luckier ones landing on the glass windows. the simple beauty of it all, the essence of the sustenance of life showered all over a battered and tired earth.

in some ways it is probably heaven’s way of nourishing us. although usually wad accompanies rain is thunder, lightning and strong winds, eventually the water will cause new life to spring out of the ground. the cycle of death and rebirth all over again.

and perhaps, the rains these days would bring forth something new

it’s funny how work can be one of the best anesthetics in the world. you just bury yourself in the targets, deadlines, perform at peak efficiency. at that one time there’s nothing else that matters but the success of the project, and how smoothly it flowed to get there. the rest doesnt matter. haha which also brings out the irony tt albeit having an increase in financial power, you actually have less time to utilise that newfound freedom.

just today i realised something while reading a novel. like something you have long stored at the back alleys of your brain suddenly hits you hard. awakens you to the primary, foundation of your being. your beliefs. it feels like suddenly, you’re back at the beginning of it all, going back to where it all started. and it feels good, because you relearn the value, the purpose of all that follows. and from there, you can pick it up afresh

everytime once in a while, you feel the need to rise up to the challenge. all this time, living a mundane existence, going through the paces of life, and feeling content about this systematic clock work. 

then something comes along. could be either foreseen or unforeseen, but it ticks you. awakes the inner warrior, the being who never knew when to quit until the enemy has been conquered. 

the feeling is great. to finally be able to break away from your other self, and take on this new undertaking. to keep up to the competition, and do beyond your very best, just to achieve and conquer. 

and throughout this entire time, from deep within you can feel the energy pulsing through you. your heart leaps with life and passion. and you know with all your self regardless of the outcome of this journey, of whether the prize is worth the effort, that it is what you want to do

there are times where the road is not smooth. there are bumps and little rocks strewn all over the path where we have to pass. To knock into one seems to fire off a chain effect, where like mousetraps begin springing up all over the place, in a systematic manner to devastating effect, never letting up the pressure.

and amongst this pressure you’ve gotta keep your cool, maintain your composure. for the loss of that means that you lose control of things in the process. you’re letting things overwhelm you.

it makes it all the more difficult when the things you hold dear are under attack. sometimes the root cause of the problem doesn’t stem from you, but the reaction that is without control usually just makes it much worse.

patience is really a virtue. one virtue that i profess have not learnt completely. in fact i think i’m quite a noob at that. and that usually spoils things. especially those that you really want to turn out well. then i have to go into salvage mode.

i’m quite tired of doing that really. of missing out on certain important little things that play a pivotal role in things, and in the end having to go back and patch things up, mend it and pick it up from 2 steps back.

at the very least i’ve got one thing going for me though. persistence. i’d only hope that is enough to tide me through. and of course strength, courage and wisdom from on high

i’ve decided. that i will go all the way. no more looking back from now on. no more hesitation, no more doubt. 

there’s this sudden surge of strength and confidence that i’ve suddenly gained from Him. Thank you Father.

and the root of strength stems from the fact that despite her shortcomings, her weaknesses, i love her for who she is. the whole package.

there is a conviction from deep within me, that what i have will not diminish, nor change. 

now, it’s just all up to you. 

is for you to be happy.

And that would be enough for me.

I can’t believe how much i’ve changed. how i’ve become who i am now, within this fleeting period. 

Thank you for giving me to opportunity to learn how to love someone, regardless of whether it turns out well or not.

And i just want to let you know that no matter what happens, i’ll always be there whenever you need me